Rosie - More ideas than time

Today I'm talking about ideas - or the idea machine in my head. The machine is a gift but it can be temperamental and requires training to operate and the right conditions to function effectively.

If you get the timing and question framing right, I will write you pages and pages of ideas. Even a single word is enough to set my brain running down clear paths and strange alleyways that makes for unique and interesting connections.

Well-meaning observers have commented in that they wish they had my brain or otherwise can't understand why the idea machine can cause me problems. Nor can they understand why it periodically shuts down or why a more detailed question can result in a 404 error and I declare that I can't think of anything at all. This got me thinking if this is another 'neurodivergent person thing'.

I can understand their conviction that this ability is a blessing and most of the time I wouldn't be without it. It can be exhilarating to see the blank page fill up while my mind runs faster than my pen and it is satisfying when the pieces fall into place and I find the unifying connection from a to z via sub point 93 and side-note ix. But there is another side to the idea machine that can leave me frustrated and exhausted.

When I say I don't have any ideas the problem can be internal or external but most of the time the two are interrelated.

The internal problems relate mostly to energy levels, decisions and risk avoidance. 

The idea machine is fun but it can also be annoying and a source of fear for me. When I am tired sometimes I just want a nice simple idea or a straightforward answer not an intricate layered thesis but the machine doesn't have this programming feature. This can mean that I look back at that ideas list and suddenly it is culled to zero and I am left with 'I have no ideas' because the pieces don't fit together. This invites disbelief as to why I have seemingly done an about turn from excitedly tripping over my words to a blank mind. 'How can you have no ideas, you just told me five?' 

The system has overheated or I hit a roadblock and got tired trying to link the strands together and didn't recognise that I needed a break from the intensity of the process so my brain has gone into resistance mode. 'It doesn't matter where you start or if they don't all fit together' but for me it really does. Until the gears click into place and the roadmap is complete it can be difficult to take the first step of converting the code to output and as anyone who has attempted coding knows even a missed semi colon can make a whole page of beautifully crafted instructions worthless. Because this process is very variable, I am always anxious that this will be the time that it doesn't splutter into action. The fear is real. I am not crying wolf when I say I can't think of anything. 

Then I hit the second problem: having lots of ideas often means having to make lots of decisions and decisions are not a safe space for me. 

Sometimes, I look back at the page of ideas and I feel alienated and sad. I want to action them all and often I try to write five responses instead of the required one or, more frequently, five introductions and no finished piece.  'You don't have to include everything' or 'It doesn't matter which one you write about, just write something' are the most common responses I get to this dilemma but this is both untrue and ineffective in relieving the decision anguish.

There are no two ways about it some ideas aren't as strong, but the problem is it is hard to identify this in advance. My brain kind of has to run the process to be able to answer which is best. Similarly, there is no definitive parameters to determine which idea is best as different ideas do different things and develop in different ways. 

Perhaps most frustrating is the advice to just 'pick which idea interests you most' which just adds a whole level of emotional processing demands to an already overstretched system as by this point I have already emotionally invested in all of the ideas. 

All this plays into my poor time estimation. The machine doesn't follow a regular process but has a varying capacity speed depending on the quality of the input and my energy to steer it. 

Sometimes this means I can rattle off four drafts and run the programme on multiple options but on other days or trying to do this as a default spins it into overdrive. It is also a risky strategy as the machine doesn't come with a 'cancel print queue' or emergency stop function meaning that once set on the course of writing four, four will be written including all the diversions and sub-clauses that bubble up as I write irrespective of time available for the project. 

I start the writing process with a sense of dread knowing that the once fondly curated ideas will now hold me captive, meaning I often end up resenting the end product because of how powerless the production process made me feel. 

Here I think is an example of where my more ADHD tendencies and ASD traits run into conflict - my need to run the programme to its end and explore all routes runs uncomfortably against my ADHD needs for variety to maintain effective attention and its sometimes unhelpful tendency to continue the idea generation process after I have started writing. Containing both these tendencies takes discipline and training, making actioning ideas more labour intensive than my machine analogy allows. Even after writing the four, I still have a sense of mourning for the other ideas that got left behind.

I think maybe for other people it can be easier to separate idea generation and execution processes as they run on discrete software but for me they run in parallel. 

This powerlessness to contain my ideas alongside my lack of confidence in assessing an idea's relative merit gives me a sense of dread and so sometimes when I say I don't have any ideas it is because the thought of trying to specify disparate fragments or reliably get to the finished product feels too exhausting. 

To avoid risk, I try to avoid decisions and write on lots of ideas but this never really works because then I just hit a different risk of missing a deadline or of sacrificing quality for quantity. Therefore, sometimes the safest option for conserving my energy is to disengage and not turn on the idea generation process in the first place.

This is part of the way that external conditions alter the production process. 

Because people underestimate the energy demands involved, they often say that they love giving me open questions to see what I come up with. However, this can verge on the exploitative. The machine is not automatic and feeding it unprocessed raw materials slows it down as the gears clunk trying to grind through all the potential scenarios of what is being asked for that could otherwise be pretty quickly specified by clarifying the question. Deliberately not specifying with the  knowledge that I will hedge my bets and write four responses to cover all angles to avoid risk as well as be unable to stop or focus on anything else feels wrong and unnecessary. 

Similarly, time constraints are important. Too close a deadline and the panic will cause the machine to shut up shop but too long and it will go too far in the quality assurance stage and consume my whole life. Others need to understand that as much as it may look mechanical, this is a very emotional process for me and so my feelings and energy levels can have a big impact on productivity. 

There is much more I could say and maybe I'll come back to this topic another time but I wanted to try and finish on a few tips from what I have learned about idea-machine maintenance! 

A lot of it is about diagnosis - there are many different error codes that can get in the way of the production process so it is worth trying to properly identify the fault before calling out the engineers. 

Sometimes all I need is to talk through my ideas to help sift the more viable ones out and assess them away from the heat of the engine room. 

Other times, the overheat has gone too far and I just have to abandon ship and return to it later. 

Sometimes I can have strategies to contain  the extra asides from the idea generation phase by siphoning them off and writing them elsewhere for later but other times I just have to accept that I have to run the programme and not beat myself up about it. 

Other times I start late to avoid the problem entirely or send something without reading through to prevent indefinite editing -  but I wouldn't recommend these ones! 

Other techniques require external inputs like specifying the question more either outright before I start so I narrow the field of my thinking or after an initial idea generation stage so I can prioritise. 

Othertimes when the deadline is tight and running the programme is not viable, I may need the decision process to be outsourced entirely and just told the topic and required length to hit targets. 

Similarly with time frames I need flexibility to stop the machine going into overdrive but limits to prevent it running all scenarios - specifying the quality level can really help. 

Writing this post itself has been a battle with the idea machine. 

First I had no ideas for 3 days. The I had 12. They are all written down but I am not sure if you will ever get to see any of them! Similarly, despite allocating myself a completion time target I have inevitably veered off on a thousand tangents, overrun and got myself behind on my schedule. Similarly, I confess, I have had to cut down my editing process to keep the machine from going into overdrive. 

I am still a trainee mechanic but, like I said, as exhausting as the machine can be, I wouldn't be without it. 

Thoughts? 

Speak soon. 

Rosie